I don’t wear makeup on a daily basis. In fact, I’m sure I’ve gone years without mascara.
I don’t own a pair of heels.
I wear my hair goopless, shiny, and straight.
I’m not opposed to showing a little cleavage now and then, but my breasts occurred naturally. They don’t require any additional prep when I’m getting ready to go out.
When my friend suggested we get our nails done before the Surrey Conference, I thought having pretty hands would give me a boost. And I was right. I felt almost dainty.
I had no idea:
1. They are painful for about 24 hours. Not miserable, just sore.
2. I cannot text properly with fingernails. I don’t know how anyone does. There was a number between almost every letter I typed into my phone. I spent more time backspacing than I usually do messaging.
3. I cannot type properly with fingernails – especially on my laptop. I don’t know how anyone does. I spent more time backspacing and deleting than I usually do typing.
4. I cannot ten-key or number key properly with fingernails. I don’t know how anyone does. I spent more time backspacing and deleting than I usually do keying in numbers. And I’m an accountant.
5. You’ll get used to them is an out-right lie. Well, maybe not out-right. And it may be true for some people. But it isn’t true for me. I know that, because today, 8 days after I had the nails done, I called the man I had paid to put them on.
“How long to take them off?” I asked.
“Ten minutes,” he said.
I was relieved. I’d finally be able to finish the payroll reports at work.
I go there expecting some magic solution that would melt them right down to my normal fingernails. But, nooooooooooooooooooo! He got out these little pliers with sharp pinching ends. He began to dig and gouge and pick at the acrylics until he was tearing into my real nail.
“Wait,” I said. “I thought you were going to soak them to get them off.”
“No,” he answered, digging again. “That would take at least an hour.”
We ended up agreeing that he would cut them short, file them down, and I would return in two weeks when the acrylics would come off more easily.
Now I understand the phrase, “It hurts to be beautiful,” and my nails aren’t even pretty anymore.